Loneliness

loneliness comes back and knocks on my door
i always open it up and let him in
he makes himself at home in the bed next to me
as i sleep in the silence and the shadows
he whispers into my dreams
erasing everyone else from my heart
i have no where else to turn
loneliness pretends to be a friend
but then pulls out the knife
and stabs me in the back
the puncture has become a slot
where he can easily pull the knife in and out
jerking my heart strings and cutting my confidence
loneliness pulls out his dark lamp
and paints shadows of varying shades of grey
in the window panes of my soul
mixing colors like a master painter
he manages to create a hole so black
that it sucks in all my hope
in a single gulp
shadows that i can’t escape as they cling to me
all alone on the bed
just me and loneliness.

Loneliness Personified

Loneliness Personified

Sketching the sky and the clouds and the sun
The paper and the pencil becoming one
She sighs and brushes her thumb across those longing lips
Blinking slowly and with precision
She pushes hard on the pencil
Certain of where her lines will take her
The shape of his hand comes easily
Memorized be hers
The rest of him follows quickly after
Sitting on a bench
Emptied of joy
Pausing to pick up her cup
She sips long—enjoying the icy cool
Of that lemonade that slides down her burning throat
Her soul knows what her heart doesn’t yet
A deep knowledge of the loneliness that isn’t just visiting
An unwanted guest that has taken up permanent residence in her guest room
She knew she should never have made it feel welcome
Breakfast and hot showers and conversation at the dinner table
She should have made it sleep in the garage or on that lumpy couch
So it would be anxious to leave
A sigh leaves her chest
Emptying her lungs and heart
Setting the glass down on the edge of the table
She takes up her pencil again
A new sheet of paper
A new truth to be laid forth (full or words she’ll never say)

Picking at the lifeless strings
He attempts to bring the beauty in him back to life
But it seems it is dead and gone and refusing to return
The glistening wood of his guitar is fading
As his eyes lose that shimmer that is inspiration
His voice manages to croak out her name
A half-whisper at dusk
It holds all the desperation that has eaten his heart alive
His hand tingles and he stretches his fingers
Slowly in and slowly out
The sudden warmth found there catches him off guard
It is gone as suddenly as it came
Once again the loneliness makes itself at home
Looking over his shoulder as he tries to write
The one letter that could change his life
Loneliness makes it clear that it won’t work
So he drops the pen
A half-written word and a few smudges
Are all he has to show for effort
Returning to his instrument
He longs to play for her again
Instead he takes it and puts it away
Locks the closet shut and sits on the cold tile in the kitchen
The ache in his bones is aggravated
But he likes the pain
Almost numb
Loneliness taps him on the shoulder and strikes up a mournful band
And he can’t stop the tears this time
A new sorrow to be sung
A new truth to be wrung (from his wash rag heart)

She packs up her pencils and pads of paper
Strewn around her in the park
She folds her picnic blanket
The time it takes her shows how it pains her
Every movement takes effort
Moving too quickly could easily break her
Dragging herself home
She walks up the steps and just stands there
The sigh that has been her constant companion makes its way from her chest
Loneliness answers the door
Assures her that there’s not fire at the hearth
Or tea kettle on the stove
There’s no warm blanket to be found
And the cold wind will surely blow through the cracks in her façade
Loneliness says this all with his grey mask in place
He hands her the mask he’s chosen for her
She takes it
Knowing she has no other choice
Tying the dull string in a knot behind her head
She resigns herself to this future
A new well of pain to be dug up
A new lie to be pinned up (in her hall of lonely fame)

He lays his head against the pane of glass in the front room
He watches another colorless sunset
Frost is clinging to his portal
As he breathes and realizes his breath is cold too
A product of the ice that has taken to his heart
Loneliness has become the host and he the guest
In a house full of grey water that laps at his ankles at all times
A bed that is always slightly damp with blankets that smell of mold
The cold can’t be edged away
And loneliness lets him know that it will always be this way
A tired acceptance fills his soul
He sits in his chair
Praying for sleep
Praying for her
Praying for the pain to someday be less
Just a fraction less
A new day to dawn
A new ending to be drawn (from the deck loneliness has dealt)

Two people who let the loneliness
Creep inside and steal their joy
They seemed to find it in every dust-filled corner
They blamed it for their problems
And decided it was right
Living with loneliness instead of each other
Though both sides of the bed were full
They couldn’t see each other anymore
Just the masks that loneliness had chosen for them to wear
And they obeyed it.

Arches and Angels

Arches and Angles
Demons and Angels
Sing twisted melodies in my head
They choose to torment
That which is long dead
Passion and Apathy
Hatred and Sympathy
I’m scared of your empathy
As i’m upside down
And right side up
My mask settles into place
Held with bolts of iron
Etched, hollow eyes
Steeled against the cold
That emanates from that heart
In that body over there
Feebly beating, as if it’s alive
Carved, a shallow smile
To give the world what it wants to see
Freedom and Liberty
Ensnare us as we are slaves
To what they owe us
Justice and Mercy
Satisfied and Thirsty
For that twisted melody
Filters through my mind
As i pick out the crazed harmony
Demons and Angels
Hidden in Arches and Angles.

iloveyou

Pushing the pedals
With all of her might
Just a little bit faster
And she might could catch him
Air slices through her heart
Pulling her hair
Hard.
The pain makes all the details—
Acute.
The love—
Stronger.
The desperation—
Burning.
The resolve—
Solid.
The need—
Thirsty.
Breathing, sucking in the vital air
Her greedy lungs refuse to give out
Wheels turn on the broken road
Eating the miles with surprising hunger
She must get there, she must tell him
Before it’s too late, before she falls
And scrapes her knee
Lest she plunge over the handlebars
And shatter that beating heart of her’s
The street is familiar
With houses of yellow and blue
And lawns of green
She lurches to a stop
And trips up the walk to the door
She stands there, willing her heart to finish its race
‘Slow down, slow down. You’ll betray us both’
Her hand reaches for the doorbell and withdraws
Several times
Courage pulses through her like a drug
With an air of abandon, she punches that button
Victoriously
Footsteps. ‘I’ll get it’
Despite the nerves, a smile steals over her lips
The sound of that voice
Shivers. Goosebumps. Butterflies.
He swings open the door
Eyes confused, lips bemused
He leans in the door frame
No words.
‘Yes?’ Confusion and apprehension whisper in his voice
The words beg her for release
She just shrugs and becomes an expert on his front porch
He smiles and looks at her bent head
Finally, her head snaps up
‘iloveyou’
Rushed. Pushed out in a single breath.
She turns and runs as fast as she can
Bicycle wheels traded for legs of flesh
Dumbstruck. He stands, stupidly.
His mom wanders to the door
‘Who was it?’
He looks at her. His eyes light up.
He runs. He sprints. He flies after her.
There is no escape
His legs are longer. His heart, stronger.
His love, mad and frantic.
He’s on her heels now
Still she runs
He runs in front of her and stops
Tears, coursing down those flushed and oh so beautiful cheeks
‘I love you too’
Relief. Joy. Out-of-her-mind excitement
‘I have all along’

live.

and when i get into my daydream place

i can’t return whole

part of my heart is left there

in your invisible hands

you live there,

in my daydream place

i revisit the scenes and still-frames

that gather dust in my heart

every single moment

of every single day

and each day i leave hopes and dreams

in that big pile at your feet

hoping that my next offering

will bring you to life

that you can move into real life

rather than remaining

a hollow shadow that lurks

in the corners of my heart and soul at night

breathe the daylight, dearest

airplanes v. stars

Don't leave me tonight
All alone in this high rise apartment
In this cold world
Where airplanes pretend to be stars
And we pretend that we can survive
With cold, packaged air
Breathed from a tube
Hello? Are you there?

Still.

if you would teach me to play guitar
your arm guiding mine
i would love you forever
if you laughed when i messed up
but kept pushing forward
i would love you forever
if you sang along with me
in that deep tone of your’s
i would love you forever
but here’s the secret
even if i never played it right
or if you never sang in key
i’d still love you forever.