spell it out for me.

e.x.p.l.o.s.i.o.n. cuz each letter deserves its own sentence. sensation of bones snapping from the pressure.the weight that hangs over me. ripping. shredding. tearing. pulling. muscles. bones. my heart. i whisper, "gone". and the air is knocked out of me. i'm knocked out of my chair. the tile is cool on my cheek. i feel my heartbeat echoing through the floor. r.e.v.e.r.b.e.r.a.t.e. my teeth chatter and i'm cold. i shrug into a sweatshirt. the one that's not your's. hugging myself. my arms aren't long enough. or strong enough. and they're not your's. the definition of pain floats around in my head. dictionaries don't know anything. define it all you want. but that's not how it plays out. real life is vivid. and real. and hurts. h.e.a.r.t.b.r.e.a.k. i'm not emo. i'm just emotional. so deal with it. i'll paint my nails navy blue and pretend its black if i want to. so get off my case. teeth clenched. hands in fists. i strain every muscle in my body, waiting for the wave of pain to hit. and then i'm heels over head over heels over head. ocean of pain. i wash up on the shore. and there's not relief. it just slams into me again. and again. and again. and again. oh just kill me now. but my heart keeps on beating. even though it's shattered. shocking. it survives. b.r.e.a.k.d.o.w.n. tears beat against my eyelids. clawing their way out of my eyes. they sneak down my cheeks. i'm too tired to wipe them away. too tired to care. or to announce their escape. they flow to my chin and drip off onto my hoodie. they ooze between my fingers and flow from my finger tips. drip. drip. drip. they don't stop. long past when i'm conscious of them. puddle jumping. running in the rain. memories with you. and the tears fall harder. stinging my skin. e.x.h.a.u.s.t.i.o.n. keeping on this mask takes work. plastic smile that isn't quite right. but it will do. it will have to. hollow eyes and a toothy grin. tin laughter. so fake. and i think of you. always telling me to be me. to be real. to place my identity in Christ. did i hear it? yes. and i have been me. but now. who am i? my identity is in Christ. and that's all i have left. you've stolen every other piece. our pinky promise is null and void. and the strongest promise of all is destroyed. i miss my best friend.